Build me up.

PraiseTEAM

My last production… my last 2 days in PraiseTEAM. I don’t know how to feel.

“I want to love dancing again.”

I knew I was always thinking this, and I knew it hurt, but it hurt even more hearing it from someone else. Such a joy to be around, someone lively, this person is never upset. Then she comes up to me and tells me this? For some reason my heart sank, because I knew exactly how she felt and I didn’t want her to feel like that. The pain of losing your passion is intense. I thought for a few days I went crazy, and possibly I did. Couldn’t imagine her being like me. But I guess a lot of people aren’t meant to dance forever, no matter the amount of love you used to have for that passion.

For me, personally.. I’m not gonna give up, not yet. Even though I feel like I’ve only gone down in my dance life, I’m still gonna keep pushing forward.. because in my life, giving up has never been an option. No matter how pessimistic I may feel, I never truly give in. And I never want to. I guess that’s the optimistic side of me speaking. I’m just trying to hold onto whatever hope I have left in this thing.

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The instant I think my passion for dance is coming back, something like this happens. All my hard work, dedication, commitment and positive attitude worked up for nothing. All my hard work was put to waste. You tell me, when will it be my turn? When will I get the chance to achieve my personal goals? No matter how hard I try to work, no matter how good I try to become, I will never be good enough. Not good enough for myself, and clearly not good enough to be where I dreamed to be. Not good enough for others to accept me. And it kills me, because I was told countless times that I AM good enough. I WILL get to where I want to be. But I don’t think that’s the case anymore. All these signs have told me that no, I am not good enough. And no, I will not get to where I want to be. So yes, I should just give up. Giving up, in this case for myself, is seemingly the only option. Giving up on all that I’ve worked for, because all that I’ve worked for has been thrown down the drain.

Simply put, I am not good enough. I will never be good enough.